Individual Raindrops
by LSMunch
Summary: “What time is it?” my companion asks softly. No, not softly, I correct myself, it's the sound of utter exhaustion mingled with the bitter taste of defeat and the sour taste of desperation.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine.

-----------------------------------

Rain beats steadily on the car, a dull metallic 'ting' sounding the arrival of each drop. Water streams down the windshield, distorting the street in front of us. I find myself almost hoping that our guy won't show, so we won't have to go out into the rain. I had no intention upon setting out for the precinct earlier this evening to return soaked to the bone. Of course, if our guy doesn't show, that might mean another woman raped in the morning, so I decide not to say anything about it and try to dispel the thought entirely from my head. As thunder cracks overhead, I realize that I can't forget it, so I try to occupy myself with counting the 'tings' that represent raindrops. I get to about fifteen and realize it is an impossible task to count every single one, so I give up on that as well.

"What time is it?" my companion asks softly. No, not softly, I correct myself, it's the sound of utter exhaustion mingled with the bitter taste of defeat and the sour taste of desperation.

I glance at my watch. "Quarter to three." That's about five hours of sitting in the car with nothing to do except count the raindrops as they hit the car.

She groans.

"Catch some shut-eye. I'll wake you up if I see anything," I urge her.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Thanks, Munch."

I only nod as she reclines her seat and closes her eyes. An hour later I haven't seen anything and she's now waking up; I can tell by the way she stretches that she feels somewhat better. I keep my eyes looking straight, at the building where we're still waiting for our guy to show up near.

"You wanna catch a few?" she offers after a while.

"Nah. I don't think my eyes will stay shut."

She nods, understanding the feeling.

"He's not going to show. This is a waste of time."

"Yeah, just think, we could be home sleeping."

"Sleep. Haven't had any decent sleep in about a month."

"Really? Everything okay on your end?"

I shrug. "Just old age I suppose. Can't fall asleep, even if I sit and read a book until my eyes are burning from lack of sleep." I don't mention the other reason I haven't been able to sleep, but that's probably something she can figure out.

She's quiet for a few minutes, and I can't help but wonder what she's thinking. "Are you seeing Casey?"

That certainly wasn't what I expected. "Yeah. She tell you or was it your smashing detective skills that led you to think that?"

"Second." I nod. "She seems happier."

I snort. "Yeah, happier," I say quietly.

"What? She isn't?"

"No, she is, it's just..." I trail off. She doesn't prompt me like she normally might. "She wants kids," I say finally as I fix my eyes on the water still running down the windshield. Actually, I think I may be looking past it into the dark city.

"You'd make a great father."

"More like an old father. Brings new meaning to the term 'my old man.'"

"John, I'm pretty sure she won't care if you're old, as you so bluntly put it."

"Well, you try putting it not so bluntly. Go ahead, try." She's quiet and I didn't really expect her to answer. I was daring myself more than her anyway. I sigh. "You really think I'd make a good father?"

"Yeah, I do."

I focus on the individual raindrops that navigate their way down the glass. "I just... I don't know. Being a father's a hell of a lot more complicated than being a cop."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out. Every parent figures it out, you can, too."

"That's what she said."

"Good, 'cause I was about to ask if you'd talked about this with her."

"Yes, more than I'd like to admit." I shake my head. "I don't think I'll ever get used to this idea. Fatherhood. Me, a parent. Can you imagine that?"

"Believe it or not, yeah, I can. So, you gonna tell her you wanna be a daddy?" There's a smile in her voice and I look at her.

"Long as you promise not to tell Fin about any of this, sure. Soon as I get home." A smile sneaks up on me, spreading my mouth until I'm grinning like a fool. I close my eyes and lean back in my seat, imagining the look on Casey's face when I tell her.

Me, a parent. Scary.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Surprise chapter 2. And the Sesame Street mentioned is actually an ep of SS. Happened to watch it one day over the summer (do not ask why, I don't think I know) and it inspired this.

* * *

"Why don't you tell Mommy what you saw on Sesame Street today?" I prompted our three year old, Emily. She immediately hopped off my lap and ran to Casey who bent down to hug her.

"There was a dinosaur!"

"Really? Wow."

"His name was Herb."

"Was that short for something?" I asked her.

"Yeah, Herbivore the Planteater. He was really big and learned lots of new stuff."

"Like what?" Casey asked.

"The alphabet and how to share and that dinosaurs are really instinct."

Casey and I both smiled at the mistake and I said, "Are you sure they weren't extinct?" I stressed the 'ex', hoping she would pick it up.

"Yeah, that means that they're not around anymore." Turning to look and me, she asked, "Does that mean they're dead?"

"Yes, honey, that means they're dead."

"Where do they go then?"

I looked over her head and my eyes met with Casey's. With our line of work, we had been wondering when a question like this would come up. I patted my knee. "C'mere." She did and I helped her climb back on my leg, where she looked expectantly at me. After all, I knew everything, I was her dad. I looked at her big trusting eyes and knew I couldn't tell her we put people in the ground, in little boxes. I couldn't tell her that sometimes we burned them, cremated them and kept their ashes in an urn. I couldn't tell her any of that, instead I told her what I wished, and had wished, with all my heart for the longest time. "When people die, they go to Heaven."

"What's Heaven?"

"It's a peaceful place where you get to see everyone who's passed away that you love."

"Like Fred?"

"Yeah, like Fred." Fred had been our goldfish we had found belly up one morning when we woke up.

She was quiet and I imagined the little wheels turning in her head. Then, she looked back up at me and said, "I don't want you to go to Heaven."

"Em-"

I cut Casey off by holding up my hand. "Why don't you want me to go to Heaven?"

"I want you to stay right here with me. I don't want you to leave."

Her little arms wrapped around me and I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I held her close and looked up at Casey, who also had tears in her eyes, and smiled.

Me, a parent. Imagine that.


End file.
